ear friends and colleagues,
Exactly
a month ago today, I received word after a series of
tests that a tiny twinge of something not quite right
in my abdomen, not pain exactly or even something that
could be as innocuously characterized as serious discomfort,
was in fact a metastatic tumor that had begun in the
biliary tree and gall bladder and had already entirely
over-run a number of vital systems and organs with more
lesions than could be counted. It is considered a relatively
rare form of cancer, highly refractory to treatment
and in a word, incurable.
The
team of doctors I have seen at Carle have been exemplary
in their timely care and especially in their quick sharing
of findings, but even they are in some disagreement
about the strange distortion in my vision and the accompanying
headache that have also manifested. I had some particularly
excellent sections this semester and tried for a time
to continue working for the sheer pleasure of it, and
some of you have asked with concern about the eye patch
I have been wearing: it is also the reason I am typing
this message in such an absurd size.
One
student who, in his writing during the fall semester,
shared some very trying and personal experiences wrote
to ask me about my situation, and for whatever combination
of reasons, I responded pretty candidly in what I intended
as a personal correspondence that I believe was then
read aloud during a class, and I imagine it has led
to some confusion between first hand and second hand
information, and I apologize for any awkwardness this
might have caused. The truth is, I want you to be clearly
and properly informed, it's just that it's not something
I enjoy talking about.
It's
natural for the kind of caring and creative individuals
of which our rich department is composed to wonder what
we can do, and I want you to know that you already have.
Many times over. Every day in every way. Being a member
of our department has been an exhilarating experience
for me, one of the highest honors of my life. It has
also been so much fun, in large part due to so many
of you who have befriended me and encouraged me and
helped me find my own style.
I'd
like to share a story: When I called my son Huckleberry
to first tell him about my diagnosis, I talked about
how much I've loved my life and how few regrets I have,
save perhaps having never seen the Redwoods of Northern
California. His immediate response was, "Would
you like to, Dad?" Within hours, he had found us
a cabin on the banks of the Smith River, the only undammed
river in the region flowing unbroken from the Sierra
Nevada to the Pacific. Flights were arranged. He and
his wife Michelle and their little boy Sam met Karen
and me and Karen's daughter Jamie (the park ranger)
in San Francisco and we flew north to Crescent City
and then by car to the Jedediah Smith Redwoods State
Park area, where we spent a week amidst the world's
tallest trees, some towering more than 371 feet. One
of Huck's friends sent me a copy of Walt Whitman's "Song
of the Redwood Tree."
It's
been remarked how artists turn ugliness into beauty,
and that's exactly what we did on our trip. I have felt
these powerful laser cannons of love directed at me
in the persons of my traveling companions and other
friends and family members, and as a consequence I have
been peaceful, comfortable, and oddly happy. I am sleeping
well at night and my appetite is excellent.
I
don't mean to suggest that I am not disappointed and
deeply shaken by what is happening, and there are times
when it washes through me with an unchecked power like
the force of the Smith River. In one of the ancient
groves, Karen and I were out ahead and were in fact
crossing a wooden bridge over a smaller stream, and
Huck and the others were stopped further back taking
a picture of us as we crossed the bridge. I was fine
and in fact loving the hike and raised my hand in a
wave with my other arm around Karen, but then the symbolism
of the setting registered and a series of pictures Huck
took with this amazing lens we all pitched in to buy
Michelle this past Christmas captures a descent into
something very much like pure pain.
But
for the most part, it is a very clear and easy choice
to recognize my life as a jackpot rather than an unlucky
break. One of my biggest winnings was the day I joined
our department. Please believe me, if there is anything
specific that Karen and I think of where we could use
some help, we will not hesitate to ask. A quiet, peaceful,
one-day-at-a-time approach is the course we've charted
for the present, along with a nightly chapter or two
of Odysseus out loud. I feel like I'm in a race to see
who will make it home first.
With
great love and respect,
Keith
Spear