humor

/* I wrote this program with by blood and sweat - Raju.*/
Begin
GoTo JOKE;
If Joke_success
then five points for fun;
enjoy!!!!;
else Zero points for fun;
message('Good Luck for Next week',no_acknowledge);
raise joke_failure_trigger;
end if;
end;

-- Contributed by Lakshmikar Padmaraju (Spring 2005)

Gender and Computers

Top nine reasons computers must be male:
1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. A better model is always just around the corner.
3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
4. It is always necessary to have a backup.
5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
6. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
7. The lights are on but nobody's home.
8. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
9. Size does matter

Top nine reasons computers must be female:
1. Picky, picky, picky.
2. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
3. Beauty is only shell deep.
4. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
5. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
6. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
7. Smalltalk is important.
8. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
9. They make you take the garbage out.

-- Contributed by Christy Blew (Spring 2005)

Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 ½ inch floppy You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

-- Contributed by Chris Green(Spring 2005)

Some Redneck Computer Terms

Backup-What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
Bar Code-Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
Bug-The reason you give for calling in sick
Byte-What you pit bull dun to cusin Jethro Cache-Needed when you run out of food stamps
Chip-Pasture muffins that you try not to step in Terminal-Time to call the undertaker

-- Contributed by Dana Koester (Spring 2005)

ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

-- Contributed by Sunil Shrestha (Spring 2005)

Email

As you are receiving e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE

-- Contributed by Ashish Ghimire (Spring 2005)

Net Addiction

Top Signs of Net Addiction
·You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
·You get a tattoo that reads “This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3 or higher.
·You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom.
·You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
·You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment.
·You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
·You laugh at people with 28,800 modems.
·You start using smiley's in your snail mail.
·Your hard drive crashes.
·You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch.
·You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number.
·You try to hum to communicate with the modem. And you succeed.

-- Contributed by Dana Koester (Spring 2005)

Top 10 Funny Store Signs

1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming." 2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"
5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."
6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
7.In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

-- Contributed by Christy Blew (Spring 2005)

Right Click

Right Click Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Desktop.”
Customer: “Ok.”
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok. Right-click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?” Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click' and I wrote ‘click'.”

-- Contributed by Dana Koester (Spring 2005)

Christmas Break

Christmas Break was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the break."We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied."That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said. "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come to think of it, we went to Ohio."

-- Contributed by Barb Carlton (Spring 2003)

Horse

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and was sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmers Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab for my "thingy" and pull yourself up". And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up a chick!

-- Contributed by Jean Holmes (Spring 2003)

Bill Gates vs GM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!

-- Contributed by Barb Carlton (Spring 2003)

Lawyer

Once New York has a very cold winter. And when a housewife returned from office, she
complained to her husbad:' It's so chilly outside...that it's the first time I saw a lawyer put his hands in his own pockets...'

-- Contributed by Ning Yang (Spring 2003)

Grade

One day a student came to a professor ‘s office knelt down and was pleading “ I would do anything to pass this exam, I mean anything ” gazing at the professor. The professor gazed backed and said “ anything?” “Anything” the student replied “Anything??” the professor asked again “Annything” the student replied The professor looked at the student said softly “ Would youuu… study?

-- Contributed by Emmanuel Amadi (Spring 2003)

Email

To all of friends 40 and over ( and the ones under 30, take notice)--

A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. (Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder). Here's the text from the email I received:

"I decide to wash the car. I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. Ok, I'm going to wash the car. But first, I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trash can is full. Ok, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash out, but since I'm going to near the mail box anyway. I'll pay these bills first. Now where is my checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk. Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer or maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while. I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye. They need some water. I set the coke on the counter. Oh, there are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning. I'd better put them away first. I fill a container with water and head for the flowerpots---Aaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote control in the kitchen. We will never think of looking in the kitchen for it tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs. I splash some water in the pots and on the floor; I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa. I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do.

At the end of day: The car is not washed. The bills are unpaid. The coke is
sitting on the kitchen counter. The flowers are half watered. The checkbook still only has one check in it. I can't seem to find my car keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!! I realize this is a
serious condition. I'll get help, but first I think I'll check my email...."

-- Contributed by Marilyn Thomas (Spring 2003)

Speech

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to leave, because otherwise they are all going to fall.

They were not able to name that person, until the woman held a very touching speech. She said that she will voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she is used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.......

-- Contributed by Marguerite Kelly (Spring 2003)

Learning It Young

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her
students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats too.

Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, they raise their hands.

There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a liberal Democrat."

Then, asks the teacher, what are you?

"Why I'm a proud conservative Republican.", boasts the little girl.

The teacher a little perturbed, her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she is a conservative Republican.

"Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too," the little rebel said proudly.

The teacher now angry, loudly said, "that's no reason." "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be a liberal Democrat."

-- Contributed by Pete Grant (Spring 2003)

Discrimination

A local business looking for office help put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time later, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, since the dog looked determined, he led him
into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager, who said, "I can't hire you. You have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and typed out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him and then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then reminded the dog, "the sign says you have to be good with a
computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. He then demonstrated his expertise with various programs, producing a sample spreadsheet and database which he presented to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign. he put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. "Yes," the manager said, "but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the face, and said, "Meow."

-- Contributed by Pete Grant (Spring 2003)

Passengers

A plane with 4 passengers is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, I can't afford to die.." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States; I am the most ambitious woman in the world. I am also a New York Senator, a potential future President and, above all, the smartest woman in the world." She grabbed the second parachute and left the plane.

The third passenger, Rev. Billy Graham, says to the fourth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and I don't have many years left. As Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.

"The boy said, "It's ok; there's still a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my school backpack."

-- Contributed by Barb Carlton (Spring 2003)

Push

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

-- Contributed by Pete Grant (Spring 2003)

Broke Down

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the in the same car when it broke down. The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke." The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas." The electrical engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system." All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?" The computer engineer said, "I think we should all get out and then get back in."

-- Contributed by Barb Carlton (Spring 2003)

Oracle

I saw a woman unluckier than me; she was crossing Main St. and almost got hit by a "Submarine", she said, "It was an Oracle that I didn't get killed."

-- Contributed by John Boyd (Spring 2003)

Shredder

One day, near the end of the workday, an eager young executive stepped out into the hallway outside his office and noticed the CEO standing in front of the shredder with a document in his hand.

The young executive approached the CEO, who said, "My secretary is not here today. Could you show me how to operate this thing?"

The young executive, seeing a chance to "dazzle the boss", took possession of the document, slipped it into the shredder, and pressed the start button, thereby shredding the document.

The CEO responded, "I appreciate that, but all I wanted was One Copy!!!"

-- Contributed by Emmanuel Amadi (Spring 2003)

Quotes from several 11 year old's science exams:

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

-- Contributed by Lisa Smith (Spring 2003)

Bicycle

A fellow decided to take a bicycle ride from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He rode the first hour or so, and then got very tired, as the ride is mostly uphill. So he decided to hitchhike. For about a half an hour no one came, then a corvette stopped and offered a ride. The biker looked at the car and said I can fit in the car, but what about my bike? The driver said no problem, I have a rope in the trunk and I will tie one end on the bumper and the other end on the bike and I will pull you. I will go kind of slow and if I get going too fast just honk your horn and I will slow down. So they took off and every thing was fine until another corvette just flew past them. Not to be out done, the driver stepped on the gas to catch him. Well, they drove through a speed trap. The first police officer radioed the second and said, "You have two corvettes coming at you doing about 120 MPH, and you won’t believe this, but there is a guy on a bicycle behind them honking to pass."

-- Contributed by Emmanuel Amadi (Spring 2003)

Wishes

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone."OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: Always let your boss have the first say.

-- Contributed by Muhammad Sajid (Spring 2003)

Ice Fishing

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit a glob into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

-- Contributed by Ning Yang (Spring 2003)

Big Boss Man

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the butthole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the butthole being the Boss. So the butthole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched,the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the butthole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the crap!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any butthole will do.

-- Contributed by Nathaniel Gannaway (Spring 2003)

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear; no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.

The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on."

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

-- Contributed by Sung Choi (Spring 2003)

Bumper Stickers

All of us have read our share of bumper stickers. Here are a few favorites:

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful?' His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "anyone
here know how to pray?"

"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jacket-we're one
short."

Three men were asked what they would want people to say about them as they pass by
the casket at their funeral. One man said " I want them to say what a good friend I
was." The second man said " I want them to say "What a hard worker I was." The third
man said " I want them to say "Look, he's moving!"

Our Program, who art in memory
Hello be thy name
Thy operating system come,
Thy command be done,
At the printer as they are on the screen.
Give us this day our daily data,
And forgive us our errors
As we forgive those whose logic circuits are faulty.
Lead us not into frustration,
And deliver us from power surges.
For thine is the algorithm, the application, and the solution,
Looping forever and ever. Return.

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender
explains that the bar doesn't have any quackers.
The next day, the same duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender for some
quackers. The bartender again explains that the bar doesn't have any quackers.
sure enough the very next day, the duck again walks into the bar and asks for some
quackers. The bartender screams at the duck, " If you come in here one more time, I'm
going to nail your beak into the wall with a hammer and some nails!"
A few days pass, and then the duck walks into the bar again. The bartender notices the
duck and says, "I'm warning you!"
The duck replies, "Do you have a hammer?"
The bartender replies, "No!"
The duck asks, "Do you have any nails?"
The Bartender replies, "No!"
The duck grins and asks, "Do you have any quackers?"

Two people working in the same software company, they were moving the machine from
one building to another.
First Person: My machine has 500MB disk then also I’m carrying so easily. Your is just
250MB, can’t you even carry that much?
Second Person: Your disk is empty and mine is full.

God tells a priest that he is going to destroy the world but he will be one of three people
who will survive. The priest tells his parishioners he has good news and bad news. The
good news is: I have spoken with God. The bad news is, he's going to destroy the world
and you are all doomed.

God then tells a rabbi that he is going to destroy the world but he will be one of three
people who will survive. The rabbi tells his congregation he has good news and bad news.
The good news is: I have spoken with God. The bad news is, he's going to destroy the
world and you are all doomed.

God then tells the last of the three, Bill Gates, that he is going to destroy the world but he
will be one of three people who will survive. Gates tells his employees he has good news
and very good news. The good news is: I have spoken with God. The very good news is,
you don't have to worry about fixing Windows 2000.

At the time of writing, Microsoft's slogan for Windows 95 was "Where do you want to go
today?" These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with
Windows.

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a
psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a
book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the
time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that "I" am the
man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal
tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished
with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The funeral director,"
said his wife.

Colin Powell Virus
Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.

Hillary Clinton Virus
Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.

O.J. Simpson Virus
You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star
player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need
you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right,
you can play."

The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now
concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"

Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming..., "Come on coach, give
him another chance!"

20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did
when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty
miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last
Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they
wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain
and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to
send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on
Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a
boy or girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought
them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other
two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to
safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter,
please let me know and I will send another one.

1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can
create a screen saver.

4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

5. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.

6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out of date and sells for half the price
you paid.

7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30
(or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.

8. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle
and take planning.

9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

15. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the
plug on a loved one.

16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

17. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way
back to bed.

18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. ; )

19. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

20. Even worse; you know exactly who you are going to forward this to..

KISS....

Prof of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.

Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.

Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology : Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Statistics : Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.

Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of Civil : Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects

Prof of Architecture : Kiss is the foundation of a building and soil

Prof. of Comp.Science : What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, buy I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea...just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."